Essential to your success as an effective, engaging communicator is learning not only what to say, but what not to say. The following guide examines several sentences, phrases and questions that stand in your way of connecting and communicating with confidence.

Do you remember me?
If you walk up to someone and the first words out of your mouth are, Do you remember me? I guarantee you will a) make them feel uncomfortable, b) pressure them into giving an answer, and c) cause them to lose face when they regretfully tell you they cant seem to remember who you are.

Some people are good with names; others are good with faces; while others cant seem to recall a single person theyve ever met in their lives. But no matter what type of memory a person has, forgetting someone is one of the most embarrassing feelings anyone can experience especially if theyve met you several times before.

Therefore, if you know someone doesnt remember you, rescue them. Just tell them who you are. Odds are, deep down theyll be signing, Oh thank God he told me his name I didnt want to ask!

SUCCESS SENTENCE #1: Hi! Im Scott with Front Porch Productions we met last month at the Chamber Meeting when Carol introduced us.

Heres my card...
The rule of business cards is: dont give it to anyone who doesnt ask for it. Its presumptuous. Sadly, the exchange of business cards is a ritual that our culture has de-formalized over the past 20 years. On the other hand, some high-context cultures like the Japanese view this as a sacred business ritual.

For conversational effectiveness, dont assume that somebody wants your card. Think about it: how many times has someone given you one of their cards without asking to which you thought to yourself, Okayand what do you want me to do with this?

SUCCESS SENTENCE #2: May I give you one of my cards?

So...what do YOU do?
According to CNN.com, the US rate of unemployment in September of 2004 was somewhere between five and six percent. Unfortunately, those are just the reported cases. So dont overlook the possibility that the person youre talking to is unemployed, was recently fired or is in the process of finding a new job.

Asking someone So...what do YOU do? is an assumption. And if you utter this phrase, it may necessitate a shoehorn the size of Shaquille ONeal to get your foot out of your mouth. Instead, ask less specific, yet open ended questions that empower an engaging response.

SUCCESS SENTENCE #3: How do you spend most of your time during the week?

Can you believe the weather?
Ive read almost every book on starting conversations, mingling, breaking the ice, networking and meeting people and I have yet to find one that doesnt say:

Talking about the weather is always a good way to start a conversation.

No it isnt. Its a terrible way. And just because everyone uses it doesnt make it effective. Starting a conversation about the weather means youve settled for starting a conversation about the weather! This makes your conversation partner feel like youve settled for them too. And every time you do it, you show the other person that you arent a good enough conversationalist to talk about anything other than the weather.

But I have faith in you. You can do better than that.

SUCCESS SENTENCE #4: What was the best part about your weekend?

Are you a new member?
Theres only one feeling worse that forgetting someone: devaluing someone. In your organization, club, business or association there are bound to be dozens, possibly even hundreds of members youve never met. Thats okay. You cant keep a tab on everybody. People come in and out of organizations all the time, and not everyone comes to every meeting.

So dont assume that someone is a newbie simply because you dont know them. Even if you think Oh, I know everybody, there are always people on the fringes. Perhaps they joined the organization five years ago. Maybe theyve been out of town for a few months or their schedule conflicts with certain meetings or events.

SUCCESS SENTENCE #5: I dont believe weve met before my names Scott.

Combating Conversational Crappiness
Some people dont think before they speak, and the price to pay is at the expense of their partners conversational comfort. But if you avoid these five communication barriers, you will be certain to make the other person youre engaging with feel welcome and valued.