The oil drilling fiasco in Alaska has recently torn the nation in two...again. The biggest controversy since the War in Iraq, the Alaskan oil fields are quickly becoming a fireside and coffee house topic. America is murdering penguins.

Tuesday Times house expert on oil drilling, Dr. Beardley Nerport states, I say go for it. What we have been doing is systematically slaughtering penguins, and sometimes using their wings as propellers for the drill blades. Its quite simple really. Plus, one of the penguins defecated on my snowmobile.

So far, approximately 78% of Alaska's penguin population has been destroyed.

A head official of PETA, a non terrorist group that terrorizes all those who do not see things their way states, I will kill any one who supports drilling. That is a fragile ecosystem up there.

Dr. Nerport retaliated, Yes, he is right. Did you know that all of the civilized world was also once a natural habitat? Perhaps we should begin killing ourselves and knocking down buildings so that wildlife can reign supreme and human life disappear.

Dr. Nerport then continued by calling PETA a group of terrorist tree-huggersand sissies.PETA then spilled rams blood on him, and ran away. Dr. Nerport then said, Theyre right. Drilling is wrong, and I love penguins.

He then put on a tie-dyed shirt and played bongos. --Kumbaya, Dr. Nerport.